mai jie yi and bick

[editor's note--i'm blatantly ripping off peter hessler here. if you want to know how, read rivertown.]

there are two sides to my personality in china. bick is witty, clever,and knows how to speak clearly and be understood (if i do say so myself). mai jie yi is neither witty nor clever, and most definitely cannot speak clearly. this was demonstrated by his bumbling in downtown high tech district today.

first he went to a fruit vendor, where he picked out grapes, and 4 apples. the conversation went like this. me (ahem, i mean) mai jie yi: "ni hao" hello. her: something in chinese said quickly. mai jie yi: shrug, shake of head, point to apples. her: produces bag.--now here's where the real magic happens--mai jie yi: "si ge" four. her: she puts four apples in the bag. score. he's a genius. mai jie yi: "xie xie" thank you, "zaijian" see you later. i'm not sure anyone has communicated less, yet felt so proud to do so. he was simply ecstatic about purchasing the fruit.

and here my writing in the third person stops, yet my ignorance continues.

my next bright idea was for lunch, i'd go to a restaurant in the village, and when they asked me what i wanted to eat, i'd pull my favorite trick and ask the waitress what she liked. i know all the words, or at least the way they're spelled, without tones. so i walk up to the full-lunch-crowd restaurant, and i'm like 2pac--all eyez on me--twan, that's for you buddy--and i get nervous. so a waitress, she's one of ten there, comes up and says something to me quickly in chinese. it seems like they do that a lot to me. i say back to her the thing i've been practicing in my head the fifteen minute walk over. i want the food that you like to eat. and she has the nerve to say to me my favorite refrain, "ting bu dong" i don't understand. so i try again, different words, bigger hand gestures, i break down to english at a point. finally an english student comes up to help, and she doesn't understand my english. finally, i get my idea across, and my food is ordered. i sit down sheepishly, and watch the laughing faces as they turn back to their food. mostly. staring is acceptable in china, no doubt. so i eat my food, get my check, and pay without problem. then comes seven tonight, when oliver tells me were gonna go to that restaurant for dinner. boy, were they happy to see me.